Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
