I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
