Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
