so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
