guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
