your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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