you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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