i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
