I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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