Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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