I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
