Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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