you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
