Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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