nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
