Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
