dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
