Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
