Umm I'm too high to move.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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