remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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