The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
