My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
