Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
