Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
