whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
