think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
