he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
