Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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