I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
