I look better un-naked...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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