I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
