I'm pants shitting drunk right now
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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