i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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