i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
