Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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