it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize
