I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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