is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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