My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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