I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
