we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
