Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
