If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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