Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
