did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
