She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
