We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We need to get me chipped asap
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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