Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Randomize