think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
