I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Floor bacon is actually really good
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
