I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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