You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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