just tell him i said nine months
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
