I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
