like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
