Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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