I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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