What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
