My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
