i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
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